Connie McKenna shared this and i thought it was wonderful

And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year: “Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.”
And he replied: “Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the Hand of God. That shall be to you better than a light and safer than a known way.”

King George VI

My friends had babies yesterday, two beautiful baby girls, twins, gorgeous little lives. 

While i am so happy and overjoyed for them, seeing photos of their tiny little forms made me cry, because it brought sorrow for the baby i will never hold, the baby i lost that i will never kiss, it breaks my heart even though my heart breaks with joy for them.

life is too hard.

You have no idea how blessed i am.

There are friends, there are colleagues and there are the ones that make it possible to get up and go on fighting every single day.

If you are any of those, i feel blessed to have you in my life.

And if you are my pack, my heart or my Orlando family, i owe my life to you.

Anniversary of Loss

a year ago today, at 16+ weeks i found out my baby’s heart had stopped beating.

a year has gone by, i do not have a baby, i am not pregnant, and i did not even lose all the weight.  My grief has not lessened it has only increased.

i am so sad, every day, all the time.

There is nothing beautiful about depression, there is nothing beautiful about mania, suffering might provide experience which produces beautiful things.

but there is nothing beautiful about being unable to live, to be empty of joy, to be full of fear, to hurt so much that you cannot even form a sentence.

no, there is nothing beautiful about my illness, and the biggest tragedy is that you think there is.

books and sunbeams.

You know what's a good word? 'bedsitter'. Bedsitter is an awesome word. i mean, you can see the flat in your mind with a daybed and a fluffy bedset, pillows, a sunbeam through a window. A bookcase and a tiny kitchenette with a teapot. Just a tidy little room for someone to hide from the world. 

So many good words. i like words.

As i have seen a lot of victim blaming lately, i thought i would share this. It is desperately hard to come forward, but please remember when we do not come forward we continue the silence.

 I regret that i did not press charges, i let the fact that it would be an inconvience to my friends, that it was an uncomfortable truth, that i was not sure i could deal with the process, i took bad advice, i let it go. i should not have.

Sexual Assault Statistics in Canada ( from Statistics Canada)

A Numerical Representation of the Truth

Of every 100 incidents of sexual assault, only 6 are reported to the police

1 - 2% of "date rape" sexual assaults are reported to the police
1 in 4 North American women will be sexually assaulted during their lifetime
11% of women have physical injury resulting for sexual assault
Only 2 - 4% of all sexual assaults reported are false reports
60% of sexual abuse/assault victims are under the age of 17
over 80% of sex crime victims are women
80% of sexual assault incidents occur in the home
17% of girls under 16 have experienced some form of incest
83% of disabled women will be sexual assaulted during their lifetime
15% of sexual assault victims are boys under 16
half of all sexual offenders are married or in long term relationships
57% of aboriginal women have been sexually abused
1/5th of all sexual assaults involve a weapon of some sort
80% of assailants are friends and family of the victim