Anniversary of Loss

a year ago today, at 16+ weeks i found out my baby’s heart had stopped beating.

a year has gone by, i do not have a baby, i am not pregnant, and i did not even lose all the weight.  My grief has not lessened it has only increased.

i am so sad, every day, all the time.

There is nothing beautiful about depression, there is nothing beautiful about mania, suffering might provide experience which produces beautiful things.

but there is nothing beautiful about being unable to live, to be empty of joy, to be full of fear, to hurt so much that you cannot even form a sentence.

no, there is nothing beautiful about my illness, and the biggest tragedy is that you think there is.

books and sunbeams.

You know what's a good word? 'bedsitter'. Bedsitter is an awesome word. i mean, you can see the flat in your mind with a daybed and a fluffy bedset, pillows, a sunbeam through a window. A bookcase and a tiny kitchenette with a teapot. Just a tidy little room for someone to hide from the world. 

So many good words. i like words.