Anniversary of Loss

a year ago today, at 16+ weeks i found out my baby’s heart had stopped beating.

a year has gone by, i do not have a baby, i am not pregnant, and i did not even lose all the weight.  My grief has not lessened it has only increased.

i am so sad, every day, all the time.

There is nothing beautiful about depression, there is nothing beautiful about mania, suffering might provide experience which produces beautiful things.

but there is nothing beautiful about being unable to live, to be empty of joy, to be full of fear, to hurt so much that you cannot even form a sentence.

no, there is nothing beautiful about my illness, and the biggest tragedy is that you think there is.

books and sunbeams.

You know what's a good word? 'bedsitter'. Bedsitter is an awesome word. i mean, you can see the flat in your mind with a daybed and a fluffy bedset, pillows, a sunbeam through a window. A bookcase and a tiny kitchenette with a teapot. Just a tidy little room for someone to hide from the world. 

So many good words. i like words.

As i have seen a lot of victim blaming lately, i thought i would share this. It is desperately hard to come forward, but please remember when we do not come forward we continue the silence.

 I regret that i did not press charges, i let the fact that it would be an inconvience to my friends, that it was an uncomfortable truth, that i was not sure i could deal with the process, i took bad advice, i let it go. i should not have.

Sexual Assault Statistics in Canada ( from Statistics Canada)

A Numerical Representation of the Truth

Of every 100 incidents of sexual assault, only 6 are reported to the police

1 - 2% of "date rape" sexual assaults are reported to the police
1 in 4 North American women will be sexually assaulted during their lifetime
11% of women have physical injury resulting for sexual assault
Only 2 - 4% of all sexual assaults reported are false reports
60% of sexual abuse/assault victims are under the age of 17
over 80% of sex crime victims are women
80% of sexual assault incidents occur in the home
17% of girls under 16 have experienced some form of incest
83% of disabled women will be sexual assaulted during their lifetime
15% of sexual assault victims are boys under 16
half of all sexual offenders are married or in long term relationships
57% of aboriginal women have been sexually abused
1/5th of all sexual assaults involve a weapon of some sort
80% of assailants are friends and family of the victim

the romance of self medication

i’ve had mental illness all my life, i had my first depressive episode when i was six.

The idea that you can self medicate with drugs is always there, like, when i am really really depressed i know, i could, induce mania. 

But i do not. Do i think i am strong? NO. i know i am lucky, that it would be just as easy for me to be stuck in a cycle of mental illness and self medicating with drugs and alcohol as it is to type this.  

Addiction is a crap shoot, your upbringing, your genetics, where you live, who you were friends with, any and all these things can make the difference between being an addict, and not being an addict.

That’s why i get so nervous around people who misuse alcohol, or who do drugs, especially the ones who say that weed is ‘safe’

It’s not safe.  Maybe it is not dangerous for everyone, but it changes how your brain works, and can cause a break in people who are prone to mental illness.

You might never have mental illness in your life, even though you are at risk for it, until you start using, cocaine, weed, meth, all these drugs change the chemistry in your brain.

do research, be careful, and examine why you are tempted to use, if you are self medicating, get help.

http://cannabisandpsychosis.ca/more-information/what-do-we-know/psychosis/what-is-psychosis/

Sometimes Depression is Silence.

When depression is silence is it is a gift, a cold isolating gift where you feel nothing and care about nothing. It hurts. It is a void, and you are alone.

But depression is rarely silent. It is an assault on your well being in the form of doubts, regrets, your memories become weapons against you, what you have is violently replaced by intrusive thoughts of what you don't have. Happiness is a sensation you will never have again.

All your hurts, all of your insecurities, all those dreams you once had that now feel so unattainable, they haunt you, they assail and incapacitate you to everyone and everything. And there is no rest, no reprise.

Logically, you know that this assault on your very core is all lies caused by your depression, but that same depression strips you of any tools you possess that could help you fight it. It tries to isolate you from everyone, even from the Holy Spirit that you know, came to dwell in you, so that you would never be alone again.

But God is bigger than depression, His weapons are LOVE and HOPE. i must take comfort in that one truth, even when under attack from all depressions lies. i might succeed in pushing away anyone that ever cared for me, or loved me, but God will not be separated from those who LOVE Him. 

He will never leave and He is determined to be close. He will give me strength to get up and face each day when depression has robbed me of all my desire to do so.  i must hold on to that truth, no matter what lies depression tells. i have to survive, because i know that God has better things in His plans for me.

Depression is seductive, it tells me that if i just let go, if i let everything end, then the pain will stop, and i will rest.  i will not let it win, i will find my comfort in the TRUTH that God loves me, that He does not make mistakes, and that the day will come when there will be no more pain.

 

Living with Mental Illness,
  Live Journal Post, January 7, 2008

I have been re reading Rosamunde Pilcher...

all full of hope and love, and disappointments, bittersweet loves that turn right in the end, even if the love walks hand in hand with untold misery.

Her books are often about living during the second world war, i like books about that time, the misery and the hope so desperately in twinged much like how every day seems to go for me, any time hope can be dashed away taken by fear or despair... when you suffer like i do, and the medications seem to do nothing to ease the pain of living, those bright points of hope, they are what you survive on, hope and the responsibility of being loved, because when you are loved, by your friends, family, your children, you have a commitment to them, to be what they need, to help and love them as they love you, and hard as it is, you have to push through the despair and the misery and the physical pain and carry on

i know that more often than not, i mess it all up, the agony of intense emotion lays heavily on my soul, and sometimes i am so overwhelmed that i can scarcely turn on the oven, or even hear what is being said to me, tho my attention is fixed on the task, it comes through a heavy mist, or from far away so that, i am short tempered or inattentive and still manage to raise my voice, or burn myself, or do some other silly damage that reduces me to tears of frustration and loss.

They say tomorrow is a new day, but it is not really, its just a continuation of what has been happening for the past 30 years of my life, and i have enough skill and intelligence to read the writing on the wall and know that it can be better at times, but it IS a progressive illness so in the long run it can only get worse.

this paragraph from The Shell Seekers, hit me, because i realized that this is the only way that we can survive, and that is sad, because it means that no matter how hard i try, i cannot hope to have anything more than i have right now, because at any moment the war could be over, and when you have mental illness, i am not so sure the war would end in my favor....

"There is a war on.  We don't know how anything is going to end.  We just have to grasp each fleeting moment of joy as it whizzes by.  If he loves you and you love him, then you just go on ahead.  I'm right behind you both and i'll do everything i can to help.  Now, for God's sake, let's get these dishes out of the way before the boys get home and it's time to start cooking the supper."

so i am going to get the ironing out of the way, and maybe play with one of the rabbits, even tho i feel that i am falling to pieces and am always with one foot in the grave.

The problem with bi-polar is yes, this too shall pass, only to be replaced by a worse bout than the one before, and a cycle that becomes so rapid that i think i have whiplash, sleep, real sleep, is something i remember from a time so long ago that i wonder if it really exists,  i do not like to leave things on a note of sorrow, because that always makes me feel like i am wallowing.... but i remember the promise of love, and i will keep faith for my friends, and my family, that is the best that i can do, tho i cannot think for the life of me what such a miserable creature as i have done to deserve such love..... 

Blue light inhibits the production of melatoinin, which is what your body needs to produce so you can sleep.  Artificial lights are part of the problem, because biologically you are immune to the sun setting as you are always bathed in light, when you add the blue light from electronic screens, it makes it even more of a problem.

Intellectually KNOWING this is the problem and solving the problem, for me, are two completely different things, since i have so much trouble falling asleep, i made a no tumblr past 9 pm rule for myself, which is helping a great deal, i also try to stay of the laptop.

Upworthy Article on blue light and sleep

Letting God define me

Rejoice! Rejoice! The Lord your God LOVES you!

You are precious, a new creation in Christ Jesus.

And that is great news!

I have been struggling the past few days with the helplessness that comes from feeling trapped by mental illness, that despite all my efforts, my illness tries to define me.

BUT i let my GOD define me. And when the world tries to switch my focus to what i don't have, i fix my eyes on God, and the victory i have in Him.

For some people, there is a huge difference between birth control and contraception. HUGE difference, some people are fine with barrier methods of birth control but have a problem with contraception, it's not all the same thing.

Should your employer get to decide what works for you? Probably not, but then, you also have choices. Not all my medications are covered, so i have to chose, a different prescription, or pay out of pocket ( which is expensive and frustrating but it's what i have to do)

Let's be clear, do i think that the SCOTUS ruling is wrong. Very wrong. but they did not exclude all birth control, if you are an employer and you have to provide food for your employees, should you have to provide food that is against your religious beliefs? 

nothing is ever black and white, which is why life is so complicated and uncomfortable much of the time.

You know how i know rape culture is a thing? Because a staggering percentage of teenage boys do not know what rape is. They think 'no' is an invitation to try harder. Because married women are not told that they CAN say no to their husbands. Because we tell teenage boys that they are not responsible for their thoughts or actions if their fellow students wear shorts that are too short, or because their bra strap is visible.

We need to acknowledge that there is a problem, and understand that our sons cannot learn about respecting women and their right to say not if we don't talk to them about it.

Milla Jovovich for Donna Karan

i was good and did not buy the perfume just to get the packaging.

May 29, 2014

God gave me something yesterday and i want to share it with you. I had a very rough start to the day, i had had a misunderstanding with a friend the day before and it was weighing on me, and i was starting the day with that.

i was upset, and God showed me that i was bringing past hurts and past situations to this new problem, and i was letting that control how i reacted.

He gave me peace and reminded me not to carry worries forward. He allowed me to just let go and let God,

and He did this all while reminding me how important it is to start the day with Jesus. 

i hope today you are able to discern where past hurts are influencing current moments, and that God will take them from you.

May 31, 2014


Today i hope you know, that God may test your faith, but He will never be unfaithful. 

He could not love you more than He does at this moment, and no matter how you think you fail, no matter what happens, He could never love you less.

I hope you live your life knowing that Jesus thought your life was worth dying for.

I hope you know that you are SO loved.