Monday, December 16, 2013

i am sorry you are bored, when i am bored i re watch episodes of arrow or i watch harry potter movies... i dunno if that helps? 
 Sometimes i think boredom and loneliness get twisted up inside us, and we think we are bored, because nothing we could do holds enough interest... but it is because we are tired of doing it alone.  Have a nice day.  

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Depression is going to the mall and not being able to function or figure out what you are doing, even if you have a list. 
It is going to your favorite restaurant and tasting nothing.
It is lying in bed wanting not knowing how to sleep.
It is sleeping and not being able to wake up.
Things you love become chores. 
People you love become burdens that you cannot relate to.
Things of beauty invoke sadness and tears.
This is what depression is.
It is not romantic, it is not beautiful, it is a thief, a villain, a horror.
It is terror, tears and apathy.

Friday, August 16, 2013

i have disappoint

So Disney's Malecifent is not REALLY evil

just another 'victim' of circumstance

WTF…. We are going to REDEEM Maleficent now??? It was not bad enough that we have EQ getting this backstory via OUAT because we have to be able to pity the evils … But now we are taking the ULTIMATE Disney villian, the one that taught us, that sometimes people are JUST EVIL.  Sometimes bad things happen for no justifiable reason
Well, now we are giving her a justifiable reason to become evil, I am concerned that we are making excuses for people
It can’t be my fault i turned into a drug addict that beats the crap out of people and breaks into convience stores… it’s cause i had a rough time growing up, single family, bad school…. HOW could I possibly be responsible for evil doing? Society is the problem not me

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Just another facebook status...

What bipolar means, continued....

compilation of facebook statuses

bipolar means not being able to trust any memories or anyone. It means not remembering what happened 10 minutes ago. It means having no control over what your brain is doing. i admit, the past 3 months have been some of the hardest i have ever experienced. And it's going to get worse before it gets better. I honestly wish i could go back to the mind numbing depression that casued me to sleep for 8 months. That was not living, but it was not as nightmarish as this is right now. 

my illness is bad enough, but other people not being able to get shit done, when they are fucking healthy? And me seeing all the things i work so hard on fall apart? i am friken pissed off.

i cannot stand this one day up, one day down chronic pain, dizzy shit, i don't know if it's me, the meds, the lack of meds, i am just a mess. i hate you bipolar. 

You are no longer fun

Monday, August 5, 2013

a letter to a suicidal girl.

darling, as someone who also suffers from depression and thoughts of suicide. i can tell u this, we have to fight. we have to try different medications, treatments, we have to grasp the great moments tight. because we are here for a reason. we may never know why. But there are things we do that change other's lives for the better. Believe in the tiny bright moments, fight the darkness, remember it's all just bad chemistry. And maybe one day, when i am ready to give up, you'll be the one to stop me. be blessed. xx

Friday, August 2, 2013

selected status updates regarding my current crisis state, and the journey to recovery through medication adjustment, and prayer.

(from facebook and tumblr)

April 2013

Friends of adi sevice announcement-- i am not intentionally ignoring anyone- just i am only capible of comminication on a non-personal level right now- questions like how are you, are likely not to get an answer because i am triggered by the questions... Mental illness sometimes wins- 

Ah depression, two relatively 'good' days in a row- means a whammy of a bad day to pay for it.  and i had wanted to go outside today.

Sometimes getting something small done is a giant victory- i fixed the buttonsese on my horse sweater. Yay!

Do you ever think about how how some people can be such horrible people that they leave dark marks on your soul, they cause hurt simply because they consider themselves to be the centre of the universe, and therefore nothing matters more than their pride and happiness? That they just carry on, and the people that have been hurt watch helplessly as they hurt others. As they continue to use you well after you have tried to sever all ties. le sigh

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

a piece of writing from a blog i follow--- tumblr user thunderpopcola

This is how you lose her. 
You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.
You must remember when she forgets. 
You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention.
She remembers when you forget. 
You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the  beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.
You must learn her. 
You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to. 
You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.
And, this is how you keep her. 
(Source: thunderpopcola)

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

My 5* cents on the Lucas Arts news today... ( *Canada no longer trades in pennies)

LUCAS sold his shit to DISNEY—- HE SOLD IT.  If he really cared about what was happening in LucasArts, and wanted to secure the future of that part of his legacy he should have hung on to it.
i love Star Wars, my Dad took me to see A New Hope in ‘77 we stood in line outside a theatre in Edmonton, Alberta, i was 4 and it was my FIRST fandom experience that i remember ( that and seeing Peter Pan) 
Disney made a business decision to licence out the video games.  It happens.  
Considering all we know about actual evil companies in the world, who do not give a shit about their employees, or the environment or anything in general other than a profit.  Disney laying off the gaming section is not huge.
Save your hate for multinationals that deserve it.  
As my 12 year old just pointed out, now Bethesda Star Wars free roamer, like fallout!

Saturday, March 23, 2013

thoughts on atheism

In my experience some atheists are just as, if not more unreasonable and offensive as the Christians they rally against. 

As a Christian i respect your right to believe or not believe in God. I will joyfully give you my testimony and tell you why i am thrilled to be beloved of our Savior- i will tell you what he has done in my life, and what he continues to do.

But i will not get into a debate on God's word, i wont engage in a verse against verse bible battle with anyone. I will not permit you to devalue me because of my beliefs. 

i also will not listen to anyone who wants to tell me that GOD hates. OR that God wants anyone to judge and spread hatred. To do any of those things is to devalue the great gift God gave us in His Son Jesus Christ. 

He died so that we could exist in a new covenant with God. A life with not condemnation, a life abundant in God's love, a life filled with the joy of the Holy Spirit. 

Do not confuse the hatred of small minded people with actual Christianity. Pity them, pray for them. But do not paint us all with the same brush. And remember God's love is unconditional, you might not believe, but i do and when i pray for you, i know that He will hear me.

thanks for reading xx

Saturday, January 19, 2013

a sample of my convention work... writing ....

Hello Everyone!
We are really excited about the OCC's first ever FROSTCON, and we would like to remind you that small beginnings lead to much bigger things! We hope you will join us in welcoming the guests that we have booked for our first Event, and that you are as excited about them as we are.
It is our hope that in the future we will be able to add to our guest lists, providing guests from around the world while still supporting Toronto's extensive local talents. That is definitely a goal we will work towards.
In conclusion we would like to remind you that this is a fan-run event in it's first year, which means that all the financial support comes from only what we are capable of raising BEFORE the event takes place. We hope to attract sponsors and bigger advertisers in future years, but we promise you that we are working hard to bring you the best event we possibly can, and we thank you for all your support and excitement!
We are really looking forward to seeing you in just over a week
your FROSTCON staff!

Monday, January 14, 2013

New Publishing House in Canada!!!!  -- from Press release

Bundoran Press Publishing House is pleased to announce it has signed book deals with Edward Willett of Regina, Saskatchewan and Neil Godbout of Prince George, British Columbia.

Edward Willett’s novel, Right To Know (working title), is a fast-paced space opera about the power of information – and disinformation in closed societies and whether the public has a ‘right to know’ the plans and strategies of their governments in times of conflict. Edward Willett is prolific author of nearly fifty fiction and non-fiction books, whose previous works include the Aurora winning novel , Marseguro, from DAW Books. For more information about Edward, visit his web-site at

Neil Godbout’s Resolve, is the third volume of his young adult vampire trilogy from Bundoran Press. Previous books include Disintegrate and Dissolve and return to the struggles of Sam and Lily in their struggle to reconcile love and eternal life. Neil Godbout is a journalist and managing editor of the Prince George Citizen. 
Watch the book trailer for Disintegrate here:

Both books are tentatively scheduled for release in August 2013.

For more information, contact: 

Hayden Trenholm
Managing Editor

Thursday, January 3, 2013

i was fortunate enough to be a parent on a recent school trip to the Royal Ontario Museum. My son and his grade 7 class are studying Early Canadians. The guide we had was fantastic, and the kids were given an opportunity to get hands on with some of the artifacts.

What i found great about this classroom experience was that each table had artifacts from different aspects of the life of early Canadians. Agriculture, cooking, housekeeping, defense... Of course John Callum liked the armory stuff the best, he was thrilled to play with musket balls.

The children were asked to look the items over and guess what each object was used for. They did fantastic, and were so enthusiastic. Their history teacher Monsieur Philippe was so excited to see his students throwing themselves into learning.

To any teachers reading this, i recommend a field trip to the museum. It was brilliant.

i took this photo when we turned the students loose on the museum after the lessons.


It's not like what they say on tv. My teapot never talks to me, i don't have voices telling me to hurt others, no whispers, no taunts. Not in the way that you think i hear voices. If i stopped taking my medication, the only person that would be in danger is me. 

Depression is a voice, a voice of anguish and despair, a cold cruel voice. Deceptive and compelling, full of lies. It admonishes you for your actions, or rather the inability to act. A desperate pain filled voice screaming that you are worth nothing. You deserve nothing. A certainty that you are not worthy of love.

Sometimes i think i am lucky, because being bipolar, there is another voice, a voice that encourages me to greatness- pushing me to be MORE. And then i remember that the voice of mania is a relentless voice. A voice without mercy that will drive you right to the edge. Vulnerable to the other darker voice that waits to pull you back into despair. 

There are drugs made to silence both voices. Seductive drugs that claim to ease the suffering, to quell the two voices of my disease. To make us 'normal'. But those drugs blur my reality and steal my intensity.  Colours become muted. It becomes harder to know God. To know me.

Somewhere inside the pain and elation i know there is still me. My being, Who i am does not change. Those medications can mute who i am. They bring numbness and apathy, worse than ever the depression could bring. Anti-depressants take some of the pain away. A blessing. But the mood stabilizers take me away, and that is worse than anything this disease can do to me.

Don't believe the lies when the media tells you that people with bipolar are 'crazy' or dangerous. Try to remember that the danger is to ourselves. It is true. There are horrible things going on inside my head. But there is also beauty, inspiration and so much empathy.

We are intense. We are often self-loathing. But above all else we are the first to reach out to someone in pain. Remember this when you hear people using 'manic', 'bipolar' or just plain crazy as a dismissive insult. Remember i am not my disease.