Monday, October 6, 2014

Sometimes Depression is Silence.

When depression is silence is it is a gift, a cold isolating gift where you feel nothing and care about nothing. It hurts. It is a void, and you are alone.

But depression is rarely silent. It is an assault on your well being in the form of doubts, regrets, your memories become weapons against you, what you have is violently replaced by intrusive thoughts of what you don't have. Happiness is a sensation you will never have again.

All your hurts, all of your insecurities, all those dreams you once had that now feel so unattainable, they haunt you, they assail and incapacitate you to everyone and everything. And there is no rest, no reprise.

Logically, you know that this assault on your very core is all lies caused by your depression, but that same depression strips you of any tools you possess that could help you fight it. It tries to isolate you from everyone, even from the Holy Spirit that you know, came to dwell in you, so that you would never be alone again.

But God is bigger than depression, His weapons are LOVE and HOPE. i must take comfort in that one truth, even when under attack from all depressions lies. i might succeed in pushing away anyone that ever cared for me, or loved me, but God will not be separated from those who LOVE Him. 

He will never leave and He is determined to be close. He will give me strength to get up and face each day when depression has robbed me of all my desire to do so.  i must hold on to that truth, no matter what lies depression tells. i have to survive, because i know that God has better things in His plans for me.

Depression is seductive, it tells me that if i just let go, if i let everything end, then the pain will stop, and i will rest.  i will not let it win, i will find my comfort in the TRUTH that God loves me, that He does not make mistakes, and that the day will come when there will be no more pain.


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